oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
