Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
