I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
