I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
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Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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