the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
