i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
