Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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