3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
