god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My vagina is officially offended.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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