i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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