best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
