I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
