i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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