he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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