Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
