Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
