wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
