So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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