uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
