What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
