I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Omg I joined a choir last night...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
