if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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