i just sent this text using only my big toe
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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