He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
