my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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