I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
