I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
from now on my penis is your penis
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
