Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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