I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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