I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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