At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
