I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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