I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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