I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
