i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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