sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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