I am midnight drunk by noon
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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