the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
