The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
