You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
