He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
