You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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