i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
