I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
