I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
