I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
