when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
