You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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