turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize