Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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