Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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