if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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