I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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