She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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