This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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