you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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