VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
